Rapid and sensitive detection of metabolites and chemical residues in human tears is highly beneficial for understanding eye health. In this study, Schirmer paper was used for noninvasive microsampling of human tears, and then paper spray mass spectrometry (PSMS) was performed for direct analysis of human tears. Schirmer PSMS was successfully used for rapid diagnosis of dry-eye syndrome by detecting the volume and metabolites of human tears. Drugs of abuse, therapeutic drugs, and pharmacodynamics in human tears were also investigated by Schirmer PSMS. Furthermore, specific markers of environmental exposures in the air to human eyes, including volatile organic compounds, aerosol, and smoke, were unambiguously sampled and detected in human tears using Schirmer PSMS. Excellent analytical performances were achieved, including single-use, low-sample consumption (1.0 μL), rapid analysis (the whole analytical procedure completed within 3 min), high sensitivity (absolute limit of detection less than or equal to 0.5 pg, signal-to-noise ratio greater than or equal to 3), good reproducibility (relative standard deviation less than 10%, n = 3), and accurate quantitation (average deviation less than 3%, n = 3). Overall, our results showed that Schirmer PSMS is a highly effective method for direct tear analysis and is expected to be a convenient tool for human tear analysis in significant clinical applications.