I began my Ferenczi studies in the fall of 1987, a year before the English translation of his Clinical Diary was published. Since then, I have demonstrated in writing, teaching, working, and living that there is scarcely a passage in this "laboratory notebook of psychoanalysis" that fails to illuminate the clinical and the personal. And above all is Ferenczi's late awareness that his personality had been constructed upon false assumptions. This is a reckoning of thirty years' conscious and unconscious usage of Ferenczi's experience to illustrate, to interpret, and to expose the clinical and personal dimensions of my own life lived as "the will of another person." What constitutes, what allows, a choice between dying and rearranging? Now that I am long past Ferenczi's fifty-nine years, I take the risk every day, and I know it.
Keywords: Clinical Diary; Ferenczi; autobiographical dialogue; emancipation; “blood crisis”.